i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
