I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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