I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
