yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
