see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
They have beer where we have blood.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
