Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
