I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
and i looked up. we had an audience...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
