After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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