Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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