My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you inspire me to be a worse person
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
