Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
