bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
