Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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