He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
