I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize