Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
