kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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