No stitches, just platelets and will power
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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