I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
