I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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