did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
