I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
