I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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