I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm both gender and math confused
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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