OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
