saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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