Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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