Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
