I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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