so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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