i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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