she woke up with a sticky ear
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
