i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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