I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
