my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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