I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
