how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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