Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I didn't notice because vodka
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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