to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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