I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
