I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
