If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
