You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
