Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
