So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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