Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
