she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Can you bring me the toilet please
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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