Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
