you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Tornado booty call.. dedication
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
