I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
