guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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