i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize