your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
