I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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