hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
