So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
