John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
