I didn't shave. On purpose
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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