Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
