I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
