made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
