I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
